How i became a wolf
My Name is Alexis and I am the owner of Wolf heart fit co. Below is my story and experience with sexual assault. I made the decision to share my story in November of 2020 hoping that if at least one person read it and had experienced anything similar, they would then know that that were not alone and their journey and feelings were valid all along. I could have never expected for that decision to lead me to where I am now, but in sharing, I have been able to heal in ways I never thought I could. The community that has come together since I shared my story has changed my life forever. I hope that my story is a reminder that no matter what happens in life, you can always rise up from it. This story is the beginning of my journey:
*written in November of 2020*
One thing that I have learned in my life so far, is that there is never a "right time" or a "perfect way" to tell someone about your trauma. When you feel ready to open up, you are allowed to do so. If you keep waiting for everyone else to be ready to receive your story, you will spend your entire life with all of your pain bottled up inside of you. When you feel ready to talk- do it. It has taken me a lot of reflection and a lot of silent heartache to finally realize that I don't need to feel bad or embarrassed about the parts of my past that were completely out of my control. I have finally learned that it is okay to open up. It is okay to want to share your story. It is okay to lean on others while you heal. If anybody feels uncomfortable with your truth, they can kindly excuse themselves from your path to recovery. It is time to destroy the idea that repressing emotions is a sign of strength. The only way to fully heal, is to fully feel. So with that being said, this is a glimpse of my story; this is how I became a wolf.
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For starters, my name is Alexis and I was sexually abused for 5 years of my life. It started when I was only 8 years old and went on until I was 13.
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(Deep breathe)
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The "man" that did this to me was, at the time, my step-father. Oddly enough, I actually really liked him at first. He was fun, funny, playful, loud, charismatic, and overall a very likable person. I have two sisters, but I could always tell that I was his favorite. He would even tell me this with a list of reasons as to what made me so special. To an 8 year old, those are powerful words. I now know, that this was just one example of the grooming tactics he used to manipulate me into keeping his secrets.
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His inappropriate behavior started off pretty mild. I can still remember, clear as day, the very first time that I ever felt uncomfortable with him. We were just wrestling around, like kids do, and he asked me to "ride him like a horse". The weird part was that he was not on all fours for me to sit on his back, he was laying face-up and made me straddle his waist. From there, he bounced me up and down and swayed his hips side-to-side. I didn't think much of it, but I knew that it made me feel uncomfortable. From that moment on, his inappropriate behavior escalated all the way until the day he was no longer in my life. From horse play, to hands in my shirt, to hands in my pants, to exposing himself to me, all the way to forcing himself onto me and into me. I was sexually abused by him, almost every day, for 5 years of my life. He would steal me from my bed at night, wait for me to be alone in a room, take me on grocery runs with him- whatever it was, he was putting everyday effort into getting me alone so he could abuse me.
A common question that victims get asked is, "Why didn't you tell anyone while it was happening?" I can't speak for others, but for me it was that I was drowning in confusion, guilt, embarrassment, and shame. Aside from the inappropriate moments with him, he always seemed so great. Everyone was always laughing with him and having a good time. I wasn't able to wrap my young mind around the fact that he seemed so friendly and was so liked- but at the same time, caused me so much internal pain and suffering. I lived everyday in fear of being alone with him, but the times that were shared in the company of others felt so normal. The confusion gave me whiplash. I knew that something about our interactions was wrong because my relationship with my real dad was a comfortable, safe, and beautiful thing. But if it was so wrong, why did it begin to feel so habitual? Was this just how life worked? Are some relationships just like this? As things grew more inappropriate with him, I became more accepting of the fact that this was just the way it was- this was just going to be my life. The only escape I had from the abuse, were the weekends I got to be with my dad. He was my hero; he was my light.
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Fast forward to when I was 13 years old, and my mom finally divorced him. When she told me that he would be moving out and that they were splitting up, I cried. My mom most likely believed that I was crying because I didn't want to lose him, when in reality, I was crying because I knew that he would no longer be able to lay his hands on me. It was finally over. I contemplated telling my mother about all of the abuse that I had endured, but at only 13 years old, I couldn't find the strength to do so. Shortly after the removal of this monster from my life, my real dad's cancer returned and he eventually passed away in 2010, just before I turned 14 years old. After the heartache that my family and I had experienced with the loss of our favorite person (my dad), I told myself that I would never tell anyone about what had happened to me for all of those years. I buried it inside of me and locked it away. I didn't want to cause anyone any more pain or suffering. So I decided to live with it, all on my own.
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The decision that I made to keep my trauma to myself, grew more challenging over the years. The longer I kept my secrets bottled up, the more pain I felt. Anytime I was alone with my thoughts, I was haunted by all of the memories I had been trying to suppress. My emotions were uncontrollable at times and I felt so incredibly lost. I started to have nightmares, trouble sleeping, headaches, anxiousness, insecurities, and everyday more anger grew inside of me. I worked so hard to bury it all. Every time that my emotions would inevitably resurface, I would work twice as hard to bury it deeper than before. I filled my whole life with distractions. The cycle was never ending and I was dedicated to hiding all of the most damaged parts of my soul, by any means necessary.
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Finally, 11 years later, at age 24, I learned that the only way I can heal and truly become the strongest version of myself, is if I open up and let myself feel all of the emotions that I have bottled up inside of me for all of these years. I now know that it is okay to share my story. It is okay if I need to lean on others as I heal. It has been a long, painful, emotional, and exhausting journey... but every year, I grow stronger. When I feel like giving up, I challenge myself to dig deeper and try harder. I’ve made so many mistakes along the way as I’ve learned how to deal with my trauma. I have failed miserably time and time again. There have been days where I let the anger and the pain consume me. I have gone through waves of depression, PTSD, panic attacks, more depression , and did I mention the depression?...But like a wolf, I have continued to fight. There are days where I still need to lick my wounds, but I refuse to live in shame any longer. All of these experiences have created a heart that overflows with love for others. A heart that is empathetic, resilient and strong- it has created the heart of a wolf. And for that, I am incredibly proud.
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Thank you for supporting a cause that means so much to me. Together, we have the power to create meaningful and lasting change.